Failing final year? There's a tip for that!

I recently saw a status on Facebook trending that said the following:

‘Please copy and paste this to your status if you are, or know someone who is or has been affected by an FYP..! An FYP affect the lives of many. There is still no cure known for those with an FYP, But we can raise awareness..! 70% of final year college students won't c the light or day this rag week..!! :( FML ‘

For those of you who may not be aware of the lingo us cool kids use these days:

FYP: Final year project

RAG WEEK: Raise and Give Week; a week dedicated to fundraising for charities most commonly associated with general mischief and merriment.

FML: Fudge my life (Well…the less polite equivalent of fudge)

Now there you go, you’re up with the lingo and down with the cool kids doggio. Word. Dude…Am that was…rad?

So yes as a final year student I have many final year student friends and do I feel for them. The stress of knowing this is your final year in the wonderful playground of substandard accommodation and excessive partying that is college is almost over. And wait! Whats this? You’ve spent four years in college and forgot one minor tiny little detail…you’re supposed to do college work in college! Oh dear, how did that one slip by you? What are you going to do now? How are you possibly going to squeeze four years of advanced chemical engineering into preferably two 40 minute study sessions and somehow come out with a project that successfully fakes a genuine passion for your subject?

The dreaded final year project that looms over so many of my friends and people I kinda sorta know is a terrible thing. I too have many work loads in many different subjects but the difference here is I have been working away in a very dedicated fashion since October. (Carol, please look away here). Ok that’s a lie, I have not, but I just am calm and collected enough to not let the stress of it all get to me. Its called laidbackness…or ignorance. Whichever you prefer.

(You may look back now Carol)

So yes, how can I help all you poor misfortunate final years through your hours of need. F.Y.P deadlines are a mere two weeks away and you’ve never even heard of Tchaikovsky let alone know how to write your own musical piece that resembles his style with a Mozartian overtone (*I have no idea if that makes any sense….apologises Music majors). I think the best way to help you is to break the tips down by generalised subject groupings. If you’re fyp does not apply to one of these please comment and I’ll make something up on the spot…ahm, I mean advice you with appropriate and educationally stimulating suggestions.

BIS/Computer Science: Oh you computer geeks, ahm I mean intellectually advanced in the technological sector you do have it tough. How oh how to get through all this coding? What I suggest is that you pretend to have invented PacMan and just send them a link to a free online version of Pacman. Your correctors will be so entertained playing PacMan they won’t care what you say or do after that. Bonus Points available for pretending that the day Google put Pacman as their homepage was your idea.

Oh that ole thing? Ya just something I threw together last week in the labs.

The Sciences: Sciences you have it tough. Your strength is supposed to be your academic abilities and without that well….g’luck! So how is an apathetic science student supposed to get by during these tough time? Well you can go two ways with this one:

A)      Pretend you’ve suddenly become part of some extreme religious following that doesn’t believe in science. Hey! They can’t fail you for your beliefs!

B)      Pretend to go blind whilst finalizing your project. I don’t care what your project is. Even if its measuring different sized conical flasks, you’ve gone blind. Got it? You’ve sacrificed your sight for science, guaranteed 60-65% at least. To make this extra convincing get some sunglasses borrow someones golden retriever for a day or two. I have one if you need it. Her name is Lucy. She is adorable. Don’t actually follow here around though; you’re likely to play with traffic. Also don't take advantage of the act. I want you to be blind only in the Kane building. Lets not be offensive here guys!

You now are a member of the Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster:
He does not believe in the laws of physics.

Arts: Arts, you are a hard bunch to generalize due to the 15 million subject choices you may be studying. Also you are not suffering from F.Y.P syndrome but merely dissertation disease. Now I have one word that will help you with this lil inconvenience. You ready? Better get a pen to take it down….Wikipedia. Go knock yourself out!

Law: Law students for you I personally recommend going Jerry McGywer on the examiners asses and in your answers just write ‘You can’t handle my answer!!!’. Afterwards make sure you all go and celebrate in your unisex bathrooms with a few gingerales and snails. (Yes my law knowledge extends as far as Ally McBeal and the occasional first year lecture in Tort.)

Engineering: Oh dear its fourth year and you’ve managed to forget that minor issue of creating a building from scratch or whatever it is you do. Now I have offered helpful hints and tips to all the rest, bit your tip will be my masterpiece.  Do what you’ve been doing for the last four years and copy someone else’s work. You’re welcome.

Don't always trust the clogs you get.

Medicine: I’m not helping you as I like to think our future doctors will be competent. I intend on doing many stupid things in my future and will be coming your way. See you then! ;)

Pharmacy: Offer the examiner that special drug you’ve been working on on the sly. Then slip them the Viagria and have your camera at the ready. Bribery can do wonders for a gals career!

Commerce: Ah commerce, we do have it tough. I mean the intentions to do our fyp was always there but then we go and get distracted by our reflection in a mirror and boom! It’s March! And to think we were really looking forward to doing that extended risk management in retail supply chain management with a nice poster campaign on top. Dratts! But hey priorities are priorities and overall we made the right choice. Just look at how pretty we are! Right, damage control. We’ve two options:

A)      Flirt with a masters student to do the work for you. I’d highly recommend building your character based on heroic figures such as Cher from Clueless. If you’re male this tactic may not work as well but hey, it’s worth a shot!

B)      Regardless of major choice write a brief piece proposing Micheal O’Leary should create a company that provides ‘post-its and Gü chocolate pots’, go on go mad and throw in a demand curve while you’re at it.

Oh Micheal! What will you do next!?!

So there you have it, expert advice from somebody clearly not qualified in any way and has been practicing her best ‘ditzy commerce student’ act for four years with no success and only a handful of restraining orders. If I excluded your course don’t hesitate to ask for advice. I’ll be happy to reply, sure its not like I’ll be doing any college work!