Failing final year? There's a tip for that!

I recently saw a status on Facebook trending that said the following:

‘Please copy and paste this to your status if you are, or know someone who is or has been affected by an FYP..! An FYP affect the lives of many. There is still no cure known for those with an FYP, But we can raise awareness..! 70% of final year college students won't c the light or day this rag week..!! :( FML ‘

For those of you who may not be aware of the lingo us cool kids use these days:

FYP: Final year project

RAG WEEK: Raise and Give Week; a week dedicated to fundraising for charities most commonly associated with general mischief and merriment.

FML: Fudge my life (Well…the less polite equivalent of fudge)

Now there you go, you’re up with the lingo and down with the cool kids doggio. Word. Dude…Am that was…rad?

So yes as a final year student I have many final year student friends and do I feel for them. The stress of knowing this is your final year in the wonderful playground of substandard accommodation and excessive partying that is college is almost over. And wait! Whats this? You’ve spent four years in college and forgot one minor tiny little detail…you’re supposed to do college work in college! Oh dear, how did that one slip by you? What are you going to do now? How are you possibly going to squeeze four years of advanced chemical engineering into preferably two 40 minute study sessions and somehow come out with a project that successfully fakes a genuine passion for your subject?

The dreaded final year project that looms over so many of my friends and people I kinda sorta know is a terrible thing. I too have many work loads in many different subjects but the difference here is I have been working away in a very dedicated fashion since October. (Carol, please look away here). Ok that’s a lie, I have not, but I just am calm and collected enough to not let the stress of it all get to me. Its called laidbackness…or ignorance. Whichever you prefer.

(You may look back now Carol)

So yes, how can I help all you poor misfortunate final years through your hours of need. F.Y.P deadlines are a mere two weeks away and you’ve never even heard of Tchaikovsky let alone know how to write your own musical piece that resembles his style with a Mozartian overtone (*I have no idea if that makes any sense….apologises Music majors). I think the best way to help you is to break the tips down by generalised subject groupings. If you’re fyp does not apply to one of these please comment and I’ll make something up on the spot…ahm, I mean advice you with appropriate and educationally stimulating suggestions.

BIS/Computer Science: Oh you computer geeks, ahm I mean intellectually advanced in the technological sector you do have it tough. How oh how to get through all this coding? What I suggest is that you pretend to have invented PacMan and just send them a link to a free online version of Pacman. Your correctors will be so entertained playing PacMan they won’t care what you say or do after that. Bonus Points available for pretending that the day Google put Pacman as their homepage was your idea.

Oh that ole thing? Ya just something I threw together last week in the labs.

The Sciences: Sciences you have it tough. Your strength is supposed to be your academic abilities and without that well….g’luck! So how is an apathetic science student supposed to get by during these tough time? Well you can go two ways with this one:

A)      Pretend you’ve suddenly become part of some extreme religious following that doesn’t believe in science. Hey! They can’t fail you for your beliefs!

B)      Pretend to go blind whilst finalizing your project. I don’t care what your project is. Even if its measuring different sized conical flasks, you’ve gone blind. Got it? You’ve sacrificed your sight for science, guaranteed 60-65% at least. To make this extra convincing get some sunglasses borrow someones golden retriever for a day or two. I have one if you need it. Her name is Lucy. She is adorable. Don’t actually follow here around though; you’re likely to play with traffic. Also don't take advantage of the act. I want you to be blind only in the Kane building. Lets not be offensive here guys!

You now are a member of the Church of the flying Spaghetti Monster:
He does not believe in the laws of physics.

Arts: Arts, you are a hard bunch to generalize due to the 15 million subject choices you may be studying. Also you are not suffering from F.Y.P syndrome but merely dissertation disease. Now I have one word that will help you with this lil inconvenience. You ready? Better get a pen to take it down….Wikipedia. Go knock yourself out!

Law: Law students for you I personally recommend going Jerry McGywer on the examiners asses and in your answers just write ‘You can’t handle my answer!!!’. Afterwards make sure you all go and celebrate in your unisex bathrooms with a few gingerales and snails. (Yes my law knowledge extends as far as Ally McBeal and the occasional first year lecture in Tort.)

Engineering: Oh dear its fourth year and you’ve managed to forget that minor issue of creating a building from scratch or whatever it is you do. Now I have offered helpful hints and tips to all the rest, bit your tip will be my masterpiece.  Do what you’ve been doing for the last four years and copy someone else’s work. You’re welcome.

Don't always trust the clogs you get.

Medicine: I’m not helping you as I like to think our future doctors will be competent. I intend on doing many stupid things in my future and will be coming your way. See you then! ;)

Pharmacy: Offer the examiner that special drug you’ve been working on on the sly. Then slip them the Viagria and have your camera at the ready. Bribery can do wonders for a gals career!

Commerce: Ah commerce, we do have it tough. I mean the intentions to do our fyp was always there but then we go and get distracted by our reflection in a mirror and boom! It’s March! And to think we were really looking forward to doing that extended risk management in retail supply chain management with a nice poster campaign on top. Dratts! But hey priorities are priorities and overall we made the right choice. Just look at how pretty we are! Right, damage control. We’ve two options:

A)      Flirt with a masters student to do the work for you. I’d highly recommend building your character based on heroic figures such as Cher from Clueless. If you’re male this tactic may not work as well but hey, it’s worth a shot!

B)      Regardless of major choice write a brief piece proposing Micheal O’Leary should create a company that provides ‘post-its and Gü chocolate pots’, go on go mad and throw in a demand curve while you’re at it.

Oh Micheal! What will you do next!?!

So there you have it, expert advice from somebody clearly not qualified in any way and has been practicing her best ‘ditzy commerce student’ act for four years with no success and only a handful of restraining orders. If I excluded your course don’t hesitate to ask for advice. I’ll be happy to reply, sure its not like I’ll be doing any college work! 

Give yourself a break!

Apparently some lad got his nose bitten off in Havanas Tuesday night. That is what has inspired this latest entry. Now I don’t by any means doubt the phenomenal Chinnese whispers that surrounds this piece of news and I have no idea, nor do I want to know, the reasons behind this, but it does make you think about the injuries that one endures on a night of painting the town all sorts of red. Blood red if you will… (Too soon?)

Students in general are a mighty resilient bunch. I mean look at us go! The bruises, scrapes and bumps we awake with are like medals of honour that are then paraded in front of our troops of friends in a bid to see who’s got the worse. How having the dodgiest looking bruise is seen as a form of accomplishment I don’t know, but heck what do I care…I’m great at it!!!

It’s amazing to think how ruthlessly cruel to our bodies we really are. Isn’t it bad enough we poison it from the inside out with concoctions of wine and tequila before we even consider going out. Why must we decorate it with gapping wounds too? But sure we do for we are students, we get joy from jumping around like mad ejitts and think downing a bottle of Buckfast constitutes as a casual drink, sure it’s not wonder we get hurt so often. And boy do we think it’s funny when people get hurt. Perhaps its some physiological trait deriving from our survival of the fittest notions but we really love it when others get hurt. Many a night spent around the Hillbilly’s fountain has been spent watching whichever Corkonian Tarzan has climbed said fountain waiting for him to fall over. Normally we hide our secret hopes of him falling very well though and cover it with chants of ‘FALL FALL FALL!’. Perhaps subtlety is not our strong point.

Doesn't quiet have the same effect when his name is Seamus from Ballyvourney

On the bright side it matched my nail polish...

On a personal level I feel I have accomplished a lot to help aid the ever struggling health professionals of the world clocking up an impressive repertoire of broken toes, ankles and collerbones. And for all the downs of falling down, it does have its ups too; those crutches lying along side my bed are great for reaching the cardigans I keep high up on my closet and that sling of mine also acted as a handy aid for sneaking cheeky naggins into bars. See its fun to be innovative with injuries! My most recent of injuries treated me to a sexy cast to my knee for a few weeks, and although it forced me to arrive to college panting and sweating and I may have even struggled through a digital marketing presentation whilst standing only on one foot to only go to A+E immediately after (Yes Carol, that is commitment right there.) it does have it’s ups. The following weekend I went on a weekend away with UCC Surf Club and hey when you have surfers offering to carry you everywhere…it would be rude to say no! :)

So why do we do it to ourselves? Why not just stay in and read a bloody book rather than jumping on tables and riding around in trolleys? Who knows? Perhaps it’s a mating call of sorts. He who attracts the most attention via injuries gets the most student nurses numbers. Hey, if it works for you than why not! Hmmmmmm I wonder if I work on my damsel in distress act I might get me a doctor? Sure I'll a crack at it (get it...like a cracked bone...oh I'm too much!) 

And for the record this complete and utter reckless treatment of our bodies in not something specifically occurring in the regions of Cork. It’s not like theirs something in the water around here (If anything it would be the substitution of water with vodka that may be a cause..) but it is a world wide activity. The group ‘Unknown Drunken Injuries’ on Facebook has 1,181,655 fans. Yes child rejoice for you are not alone! And when I say rejoice I mean smile to yourself or at most give your self a subtle clap on the back…for GODS SAKE DON’T GO ON THE LASH!!!

But you're probably going to ignore my advice continue the adding of scars to your collection. Well if thats the case here's a little tune to get you through tomorrow morning. (I personally enjoy the 'I increasingly think I broke my leg'.) http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1924835

Look what my horoscope said today...

Harsh Mr UCC Express Horoscope Man. 

Real Harsh. 

Procrastination: The laziness of tomorrow...today!

Procrastination is a marvellous thing...she says as she begins to write her latest blog entry, then stare blankly at some terribly movie on TV, then reconsiders if procrastination is a worthy enough blog entry. But yes it is. I said beginning this that I intend to write about the things students face and my god do we face procrastination head on, then decide facing it head on is too much effort so take a sit down and promise to face it tomorrow.  

Why debate the evolution of species when there are far more important issues on hand?

It is amazing to think we are supposedly the learned folk, scholars who spend their days musing over the wonders of the world and how we can improve it. However personally I think watching Murder She Wrote marathons and discussing in depth best hot chicken roll fillings is a far greater spending of time. Well, perhaps not greater use of time, but more likely. There are many types of procrastinators and I hope to describe a few of them to you...before I get distracted by something shiny.

1)      The ‘Talker’: The talker is your regular library goer except manages to successfully spend a 3:1 ratio of time talking about work needed to be done rather than actually doing the work. The talker is characteristically the type who seems terribly busy at all times, rushing from desk to desk as they explain to their friends how much work needs to be done. I have a friend who is a talker, everybody does. You know who they are. If you have been interrupted reading this by a friend who barely takes a breath to explain to you how they have more work than everybody in the entire college combined then you most definitely have a talker. And my friend who is ‘A talker’, nice to see you’re reading.

Oh well, its 1:00:01...can't go back till 2 now.

2)      The ‘On the hour’: I’m quite a fan of the on the hour principles towards procrastinating. They are quite simple really. Things must only be done on a regular time frame, that is one can only take a break at an exact hour, none of this going at ten past 2 business. However, although you may think this is someone who is organised, controlled and committed to their studies you would be wrong. VERY WRONG. The ‘on the hour’ (o.t.h.) procrastinator is brilliant in that their system allows them to perfectly justify their lack of work. ‘We’ll go back to study at 3’ the o.t.h will say to his friends, ‘Whats this? Ooops! Its 3:02. Oh well, we’ll have to wait till 4 now, thats the rule!’

3)      The ‘Getting Organised’: I think everybody engages in a spot of ‘getting organised’ procrastinating before approaching any task, well everybody except the organised folk that is. The getting organised devote a good day of ‘studying’ towards buying folders, taking a break, making labels, taking a break, discussing how much needs to be organised with fellow ‘getting organised’, take a break, chronologically organising notes into appropriate folders then freaking out when you realise you accidentally missed lectures November-February, and so another two days must be put aside towards tracking down said notes and photocopying them.  Its tough for the getting organised, they feel so proud after their two days of organising that they fail to realize how little actual work they have completed.

4)  The Hangover induced procrastination: Too hungover to study procrastination consists of one convincing oneself  they wouldn't get any work done in their state of pure unexaggerated pain and so it's pointless even trying to accomplish anything that day except pizza ordering and discussion of who mated with whom the previous night. A common phrase to watch out for with this student is 'No. I'm ACTUALLY dying'  It should be noted these students do try and convince others of their promise to start working tomorrow. Unfortunately the irresistible lure of four euro naggins prove too much and this procrastinator will spend weeks on end with the same excuses repeating itself in a vicious cycle of shots and sympathy. Thankfully one with which I've never fallen into (*cough cough)

Oh Dick, what will you do next!?!

5)      The ‘T.V watcher’: “I’m definitely going to start that Philosophy essay......as soon as Diagnosis Murder finishes. What? It’s a ‘to be continued’ episode? Well I have to see what happens to Dick Van Dyke and the gang don’t I! “says the TV watcher. This argument may be valid; after all it’s only two hours. However as you just plan to leave to finally go plagerise the hell out of Socrates and the lads you see that 'Come Dine with Me' is starting and once you start watching that it is your moral obligation as a tv watcher to find out who wins the all important (yet measly amount) £1000 prize, there goes another five hours. The tv watcher has many tools to aid its procrastination. Downloading and diving into entire series of  programs online is one thing, but it is those who manage to avoid weeks of study on end using only the basic channels of RTE 1, RTE 2,TV3 and TnaG are the true masters of this art. Anyone who avoids that project using only Aifric and Fair City as your justification, well you my friend have earned my respect.

Of course there are many many methods of procrastination that can be employed tactically by any student committed enough to the cause, however as a self-proclaimed procrastinator discussing these in further detail would be far too contradictory. I like to think I have mastered a wonderful balance of many of the methods above and so have tailored the month long gap since my last post to compliment this posting. Yeah...bet you didn't see that coming. 

Now, to put you in the mood to absolutely fudge all here's a nice lil song for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FZtN7T5PXM